Feeling lonely in a relationship or alone, even in the presence of a partner, is more common than you might think.
Despite the companionship, romantic relationships can sometimes leave you feeling disconnected and isolated. While Hollywood sells the dream of finding “the one” who doubles as your best friend, real-life dynamics are far more complex.
Being in a relationship shouldn’t automatically banish loneliness. But for many people, feeling isolated and unseen can creep in even when they are coupled up.
![How do I stop feeling lonely in my relationship? How do I stop feeling lonely in my relationship?](https://modenwoman.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/young-couple-at-home-couple-problem-royalty-free-image-1641921331.jpg)
Here’s the surprising truth: loneliness in relationships is pretty common. You might have a great partner, yet still crave a deeper connection.
So, what’s going on? Why do you feel alone with someone who is supposed to be your closest confidant?
Unrecognized Needs and Missed Bids for Connection
There are two main culprits behind loneliness in relationships: unmet needs and missed opportunities for connection.
- Unmet Needs: Maybe you crave physical touch, but your partner isn’t as cuddly. Perhaps you value deep conversations, but your evenings are spent scrolling through social media rather than talking. These unmet needs can leave you feeling emotionally distant.
- Missed Bids for Connection: John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, introduced the concept of “bids” in relationships. A bid is a small attempt to connect with your partner, like sharing a funny meme or mentioning something interesting that happened at work. When your partner misses these bids, it can leave you feeling rejected and lonely, even if they’re physically right next to you.
Loneliness Might Not Be About Your Relationship
Sometimes, loneliness stems from deeper issues outside your relationship. If you experienced emotional neglect or bullying in childhood, or have few social connections outside your partner, you might be more prone to loneliness regardless of your relationship status.
Breaking Free from Loneliness: What You Can Do
![Should I tell my boyfriend I feel lonely? Should I tell my boyfriend I feel lonely?](https://modenwoman.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Why-Do-I-Feel-Lonely-In-My-Relationship-p7dgta57to6yhernh6taef19b1g0akl3tp2gadnwco.jpg)
Feeling lonely in a relationship doesn’t have to be a permanent state. Here are steps you can take to reconnect and feel more seen:
- Self-Discovery: Before pointing fingers, take a deep dive into your own feelings. Journal, record a voice memo, or simply reflect on why you feel lonely. Understanding the root cause will help you communicate effectively with your partner.
- Vulnerable Communication: Ditch the blame game. Instead, use “I statements” to express how your partner’s actions (or inactions) make you feel lonely. For instance, say, “I feel lonely because we haven’t had quality time together lately” instead of accusing them of neglecting you.
- Strategic Bids for Connection: Don’t just throw connection attempts out there and hope for the best. Consider your partner’s energy levels and choose times when they’re more receptive. Share a funny story over coffee in the morning if they’re a morning person, or wait until after the kids are asleep for a deeper conversation.
- Ditch the Tech: Put down your phones! Constant phone use during meals or dates creates a physical and emotional barrier. Try “phone-free” outings or activities you both enjoyed in the past.
- Couples Therapy: If communication seems impossible, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide a safe space for you and your partner to express yourselves and work towards a stronger connection. Remember, sometimes a relationship just isn’t meant to be, and that’s okay. Trust your gut and make the decision that’s best for your well-being.
By understanding the reasons behind loneliness and taking proactive steps to reconnect, you can transform your relationship from lonely to loving.
Note, moving away from loneliness within a relationship is a journey. By prioritizing open communication, empathy, and self-awareness, you can foster deeper connections and build a fulfilling partnership.